Birthday Presence

You were everywhere today... perhaps it's because we turned the page to February. The 1st of February was your birthday, and in a couple of weeks comes Presidents' Day weekend..that fateful, frightful weekend 9 years ago during which we found out something was "wrong." Something that we all thought was taken out of your body along with enough skin to leave a hefty scar across your back; what was called 'melanoma' in 1988 had over the decade quietly and fatally made its way into your brain...into your memories...It came back....Silently and with enough strength to bring us all to our knees in the latter part of February, and to take you away in early April.

Mom...

Funny...it was this time in '98 I was planning on buying my first brand new car....a Cavalier to replace the older Cavalier you drove and then gave to me after college. I remember driving it to hospice the day I bought it...April 6th I think. I'll be parting with it soon. It's done right by me, but I'm buying Brian's Passat--and I gotta say, I'm psyched! Leather seats/moon roof--and with more safety features than my Chevy (I know you're happy about that!) Big brother gets a corporate company car, so little sister is reaping the reward too

(Wait--somehow I'm sure you know all about this already...)

So as I was driving home in the new car (new to me anyway), and listened to a CD by Sting (ya, ya, I know, I know...And no Ma, nothing has changed much since you left us--I'm still playing Sting) the song Whenever I Say Your Name started playing....

Whenever I say your name; whenever I call to mind your face...

And something struck me (besides realizing how nice it is to have a right-front car speaker that works): This song, which always reminded me of my husband, all of a sudden took on a new interpretation. It was about you...

Whenever your memory feeds my soul, whatever got broken becomes whole

And there I was struck that one song could mean two such different emotions towards two totally different figures in my life.

Whenever I'm filled with doubts that we will be together...

Love and loss...they now are so wrapped up in each other when it comes to you. I can't feel one without the other. In your absence, I feel your presence. In your presence I feel a profound absense.

"Whenever I say your name, I'm already praying.."

Maybe for this year's birthday, you weren't the one getting the gifts. You decided that you'd give one to me. (That is SO your style...)

Whenever I say your name, no matter how long it takes
We will be together
Whenever I say your name, let there be no mistake
That day will last forever

Happy birthday, Mom. And thanks for the "presence."